“Attention!” “Put the cell phone down and put your hands where I can see them!” I should probably employ someone with a megaphone to follow me from bar to bar and shout this over my shoulder every time my hands start to wander from my beer to my cellular device. It’s just too easy to use alcohol as a crutch for explaining lewd behavior. “No, I didn’t text you, Vodka did.” This is the best explanation you’ve got the following morning when you’re perusing through your phone deleting texts that even you yourself are too embarrassed to read. It’s as if erasing them from your inbox will create the illusion that it never even happened.
There’s nothing more mortifying than waking up to the realization that you did indeed engage in drunk texting the night before. It all begins when you start to drift in and out of your drunken state. The pounding in your head and the body’s desperate plea for hydration consume your immediate thoughts tricking your mind into thinking you are safe. However, once the body acknowledges these basic needs the mind is free to walk through other necessary details- Where am I? Who am I? How did I get here? Where’s my car? Where’s my pho—FUCK. And that’s when it hits you. It wasn’t a dream after all. As you desperately try to piece the night back together you begin the scroll of shame through your outbox. Which drunk text were you guilty of? Was it the “I’m in love with you and everyone else I know” drunk text? Or the “I hate you and everyone else I know” drunk text. The classic “I’m soooooo drunk” text?
The “Whrt I’m saying is so pathetic I’m gonnajumble it up to the poimt it’s nt readable” text?
The “come over” text?
The “come get me I need a ride” text?
Or just simply “Hey” to a number that should be off limits in any event text? You know you’ve really outdone yourself when the number isn’t even stored in your phone and you’ve drunk dialed on memory alone.
Whichever route you decided to take it’s likely that no amount of damage control is going to redeem you the following morning, so don’t even try. Take it in stride and move on with life. We’ve all been there. Sending an apology text just shows that you are thinking about them sober which is even worse. Avoiding drunk texting altogether is highly unlikely and with all the latest technology drunk Tweeting and drunk Facebooking are bound to be inevitable as well. I’d say we’re pretty fortunate though that technology has brought us this far. What did they do in the old days? Send drunken telegrams? Leave drunken letters in one’s mailbox?
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