Keeping Up With The Joneses

Situated at the edge of my pole barn, ice cold Corona in hand, I gaze out at my neighbors' perfectly manicured lawns. It's a miracle I can even partake in this luscious view due to the tall weeds growing up around me in my own yard. I forgot to mention that the seat in which I'm resting is in fact my own spacious, comfortable throne of a lawnmower which is 100 percent functioning I might add. It is also probably the nicest, most luxurious lawnmower I have ever seen, hence why it also doubles as a lounge chair. So why, one might ask, am I not out there mowing my own yard with this Cadillac of a mower instead of white trashing up the neighborhood with my lack of compliance? Well that's easy. I don't have the slightest f'ing clue how to operate it.

When I moved into this home, I was blessed beyond belief when my generous, caring neighbor at the time gave my boyfriend and I a lawnmower. He was probably tired of watching us load up whatever jalopy we could find at the time and hauling it back and forth on a trailer to mow our overgrown grass. Needless to say we were definitely the Clampett's of the neighborhood and it's no doubt he took pity on us. Either way his generosity has not been or will not be forgotten. It was, for me, the equivalent of winning the lottery. The only problem that remains to this day is that I cannot figure out how to drive the damn thing. Humiliating I know, but it's not a pretty sight watching me try to operate a zero-turn mower when I'm used to the old-fashioned kind, or better yet a push mower.

I should probably also address the fact that I have no lawn or patio furniture which makes for an interesting sight for the neighbors and passerby alike. If I'm not on the lawnmower then it's a tossup between my hammock (also given to me) or an overturned 5 gallon bucket. I can't even go down to The Wal-Mart (yes I just crossed that line by incorporating the word THE into the title of an establishment) and buy a damn lawn chair or table for under $150. Who the hell can afford that?! The point I'm trying to make here is that I never had a CLUE how much upkeep goes into owning and maintaining a home until now. It's exhausting. There's always more time and money that can be put into improving your home and there's always going to be a neighbor whose yard looks a hell of a lot better than yours. I guess I'll just continue to kick back on my bucket, watching as cars pass by, being thankful for all that I have and have been given.